It can be a challenge to navigate mental illness with a romantic partner, and sometimes, not all relationships can survive this stress. Sometimes the best option for both parties is to break up, especially if mental illness contributed to problems in the relationship. The right choice may very well be the toughest one. The end of a relationship, especially a marriage, brings up new triggers that make it even harder. Seeking divorce from a person with mental health issues may evoke guilt, shame, and despair.
Here’s what to consider about leaving a spouse with mental health issues.
Rethinking Mental Health and Relationship Behaviors
Despite society’s overall progress in destigmatizing mental illness, there remains a lot of sensitivity around it. Add in social media-fueled pop psychology, and people are just as likely to misdiagnose others’ mental health as they are to shame them for their issues. For example, narcissistic personality disorder is often conflated with mental health conditions such as PTSD and avoidant attachment. Certain depression-fueled behaviors, e.g., withdrawal or catastrophizing, can take their toll on relationships but are not to be confused with abusive actions such as stonewalling or gaslighting.
This contributes to the shame and ambivalence for people who want to leave their unhappy marriages. When we treat mental illness as problematic personality traits — rather than a complex set of symptoms with varying pathologies — we assume it’s a choice. We believe the sufferer could simply choose to fix their problem, and their partner could choose to help (and therefore has failed if they don’t stick with them). But it’s rarely that simple. (Psst — Check out our blog, “Unlearning ‘Til Death Do Us Part'” for more on this.)
Construing mental illness as toxic behavior creates too much pressure on their partner to simply respond to the behavior. It shifts responsibility to them: are you the loyal, compassionate partner who will love your spouse unconditionally?
In truth, it isn’t anyone’s responsibility to fix other people’s issues. And mental health issues are much complicated than bad behavior. Ultimately, you are responsible for your health and happiness, and it’s up to each individual to know and act upon their capacity for a stable, secure relationship.
Myth vs. Fact: Mental Illness and Marital Satisfaction
Both mental illness and divorce face heavy stigma. In line with people’s tendency to portray divorce as deeply negative, many researchers attempt to explain divorce as either (a) a near-inevitable outcome when one spouse struggles with mental health or (b) a sign that marriage simply isn’t right for those with mental health issues.
Let’s bust this myth. Certainly, mental health issues can raise the risk of marital dissatisfaction. Those who struggle with mental health may be more likely to struggle with relationships. However, chronic mental disorders such as depression and anxiety affect millions of people. About 8 percent of U.S. adults have had one major depressive episode. Anxiety disorders, including OCD and PTSD, affect 19 percent. Many of those adults can maintain and thrive in healthy relationships, romantic and otherwise. And of course, many people break up and get divorced in situations where mental illness isn’t a factor at all.
While researchers may find links between a mental health diagnosis and poor relationship outcomes, remember that they’re comparing data points. In people’s lived experience, mental health — good or bad — is part of a complex tapestry of emotions, motives, and behaviors. How they show up in relationships is hardly reducible to any diagnosis.
That said, it’s worth considering how any mental health struggles affect the relationship. If symptoms are causing harm, consider what’s healthiest for both people.
Leaving a Partner Who Struggles with Mental Health
A relationship can end for many reasons: shifting goals, new pressures, infidelity, or even healing from past situations. For example, some couples who bonded over shared trauma may find that the spark fades once both have recovered. Whatever the reason, both partners should take an honest look at whether or not the relationship still serves them.
One may seek a divorce because the relationship no longer works. But that choice can feel wrong if their spouse experiences mental health struggles. Will leaving them trigger a crisis event? Are they obligated to stay?
First, no one is ever required to maintain a relationship that doesn’t align with their well-being. It’s never wrong to choose your own happiness, sense of security, or safety.
Second, one can still love another person without staying in an unhealthy situation. Let’s redefine love; it’s not an emotional or physical state but rather an action — and it starts from within. Loving yourself means choosing yourself. It doesn’t detract from the emotions you have for another person. And sometimes, loving someone means letting them go.
This mindset change can help you navigate marital separation amid mental illness. You’re not at fault for someone else’s struggles, and you haven’t rejected love and happiness. If anything, you’re embracing your capacity for both.
All that said, ending the relationship or asking for a divorce does carry some risk for a mental health crisis. Here’s what to do if you’re worried about this.
What to Do When a Breakup Triggers a Mental Health Crisis
If you suspect your soon-to-be ex may spiral after hearing you want to end the relationship, know what resources could help the situation. Remember, you’re not a bad person for seeking a divorce — mental illness or not — nor are you responsible for any actions they take after the conversation.
Depending on your unique situation, you may wish to share mental health resources with your soon-to-be ex. You could encourage them to seek counseling or psychiatric support. Be clear in your boundaries: their healing is separate from your relationship’s health, and getting better doesn’t mean you’ll get back together.
If you’re worried they may harm themselves or others, Texas law provides for involuntary commitment in a psychiatric facility. This is only for severe situations in which you reasonably believe their mental illness creates “a substantial and imminent risk of serious harm to [themself] or others if [they] are not immediately detained.” This may be done through your local county clerk’s office. In emergency situations, always call 911 for immediate help.
These situations can be stressful and frightening, so it’s vital to practice self-care. Lean into your support network. Don’t be afraid to tap into mental health resources for yourself as well. And most of all: know that choosing to leave is never a matter of taking the blame or destroying love or happiness. All you can do is take care of yourself and, if appropriate, connect your ex with the appropriate mental health resources.