How to Leave a Marriage to an Addict
Addiction, no matter the type, hurts both the sufferer and those who love them. Sadly, love is not enough to cure addiction. It takes intentional, repeated work to resolve one’s triggers and reduce their dependency. Relationships — even marriages — don’t always survive this process. But divorce when your spouse is an addict is draining, too. What can you do if you need to ask for divorce from someone dealing with addiction?
The Legal Struggles of Addiction
Addiction is unique for each person but typically involves compulsive, secretive behaviors. All these can lead to legal troubles, including a complex divorce case.
- Drug addiction may involve the use of Schedule 1 controlled substances, of which possession is a felony. Those who abuse other controlled substances (e.g. prescription medications) could also be charged with a misdemeanor if they’re not authorized to possess the drug.
- Gambling is illegal in Texas, except for the state-operated lottery and certain heavily regulated games. And throughout the U.S., gambling and sports betting are highly restricted. Violations range from misdemeanors (with hefty fines and up to 1 year of jail) to felonies if the person organizes gambling events.
- Sex addiction may lead one to hire escorts, which are illegal in most of the U.S.
Any addict is at risk for unscrupulous financial activity to fund their habit. They may (intentionally or not) participate in fraudulent transactions or schemes. They may steal money or valuable items to sell. Many spouses seeking divorce from an addict report that their soon-to-be ex spends their shared funds on their vices — or conceals excess spending or debt from them. This could constitute financial infidelity at best, fiscal abuse at worst.
Spouses and children get the fallout of an addict’s legal circumstances. It can very quickly become a financial and emotional drain. Situations such as infidelity, having one parent in jail, and losing income/savings all contribute to a difficult separation — one in which asset division and custody are instantly made more complicated.
Planning a Divorce from an Addict
Addiction puts so much strain on a marriage that many find it’s best for their health and future to seek divorce. Marital separation is already tough, but leaving an addict can feel impossible. What if you could work it out together? How can you find time to process a divorce when you’re already dealing with the addiction itself?
As with any difficult family situation, careful planning is vital to recovery. Emotions will run high. Dozens of hurdles will compete for your attention. Divorcing an addict is a three-step process:
- Document their addiction-fueled behavior and its effects on your family
- Declaring your intention to seek divorce while maintaining your family’s safety
- Separating your household, severing legal ties, and ensuring a fair, equitable settlement and custody arrangement
1. Documenting Addict Behavior and Gathering Facts for Divorce
As painful as it may be, one must document as much evidence as possible. This isn’t to prove the awfulness of the soon-to-be-ex or assassinate their character but simply to gather the facts. You can have compassion for someone struggling with addiction while noting how their behavior has affected the marriage.
Things to document include:
- Massive cash withdrawals from joint accounts
- Purchases of problematic services or products (betting organizations, lottery tickets, strip clubs, vape shops, etc.)
- Absences or “I’ll be home late” messages when you suspect they are engaging in their addictive habits
- Mysterious pill bottles (including duplicate prescriptions from multiple doctors) or drug paraphernalia
- All encounters with law enforcement, even if no charges are pressed
- Dates and times of arrests, questionings, and hearings
- All events that impacted the children, e.g. missed school pick-ups, borrowing money from the piggy bank, abusive behavior
Continue this documentation throughout the divorce and custody process — even if the soon-to-be ex is seeking help. Even if the behavior seems to stop. Even if you plan to separate amicably. It’s always best to have a record to present calmly and clearly to the family court.
2. Staying Safe When Leaving an Addict
Apply the same guidelines when having the divorce talk as one would to leave an abusive situation. Even if your soon-to-be ex’s addiction hasn’t manifested as direct abuse, consider this:
- Feelings of anger and shame can erupt when your spouse realizes they’re losing the relationship and your shared resources.
- It is still abusive to be cheated on, stolen from, or put into an untenable, dangerous situation.
We go into more details about how to safely leave your spouse in our article, “How to File for Divorce While Escaping Domestic Violence in Texas.” In a nutshell:
- Have an escape plan that includes a safe, neutral location.
- Request a police escort by calling the non-emergency line.
- Consider a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO), especially if you have children you’re taking with you.
- Be prepared to call 911 if your ex poses a threat to your safety — or their own. Addicts are at a higher risk of self-harm after a relationship rupture. In Texas, you can petition for involuntary commitment if you believe they may overdose (accidentally or intentionally). You don’t have to be present for this.
In any situation, state your desire for divorce plainly and confidently. Remember, there is no shame in seeking divorce OR in leaving someone who experiences addiction. You can love someone dearly and accept that a marriage is not healthy for either of you. Make it clear (without using blame language) that their addiction has impacted you to the point you can no longer sustain the relationship. Here’s our compassionate guide to the divorce talk.
3. Preparing to Divide the Household and Request Custody Changes
Texas is a community property state, meaning that all assets and debts acquired during the marriage belong to both spouses. However, that only applies when the assets and debt were acquired jointly for the benefit of the marriage. Debts from gambling or adultery are the responsibility of that spouse. That’s why it’s critical to document those mysterious purchases.
The Texas family court strives to make divorce settlements as equitable as possible. Thus, if your soon-to-be ex drained your savings for their addiction, don’t worry that you’ll only get half of your meager checking account. You may be awarded other assets to make up for the loss. Consult with your divorce attorney to explore your options. (At Alexandra Geczi Family Law, we work with your financial specialists to help you get what’s fair with less drama.)
What about the kids? Even if one parent has addiction struggles, the Texas family court is reluctant to revoke parental rights unless there is clear evidence of harm. Be prepared to make your case for whatever arrangement you seek. For example, your ex may have their access to the kids restricted via a Temporary Restraining Order. The actual custody agreement may limit their conservatorship or visitation rights, especially if they’re expected to serve time and/or seek treatment.
How to Deal with the Guilt of Divorce When Your Spouse is an Addict
Survivors of domestic violence often feel guilt. “How could I put myself in that situation? What’s wrong with me?” Society doesn’t help with questions like, “Why didn’t she just leave?”
The rhetoric flips when the spouse is an addict. “How could you leave when your spouse is struggling?”
We’ve all heard it. “Marriage is forever.” “If you truly love them, you’ll work it out.”
But for many people whose spouses experience addiction, they’re not out the door at the first incident. They do stay… and suffer as their loved one continues the self-harming behavior. They justify it to themselves: “He’s just having a rough time.” “This isn’t who she really is.” “I’ll just love them more and they’ll see they don’t have to use drugs or gamble to feel better.”
Here are the tough but honest truths. Write ‘em down or share them with someone who needs to hear them:
You cannot love someone out of an addiction.
Their addiction is not due to anything you did.
You can still love someone and refuse to stay in a harmful situation.
Addiction is not a character flaw but it is a medical condition that needs treatment — and that’s their responsibility, not yours.
All you can do is ask for what you need and accept when it’s not possible to receive.
A person struggling with addiction absolutely deserves compassion and support. You can provide that as much as you’re comfortable and able — but don’t sacrifice your peace. It’s okay to want out of a marriage that’s been severely damaged by an addict’s behaviors. You can wish for their healing and encourage them to get help, but you also must take care of yourself. Remember, addiction treatment takes a whole medical team and lots of time. You are just one person and it’s okay to invest your energy in your healing.
Need compassionate legal support as you file for divorce from an addict? Alexandra Geczi Family Law strives for low-conflict and amicable divorce, even when the legal situation is messy. We’ll help you navigate the civil matter between you and a soon-to-be ex who may face separate criminal charges. And most of all, we support you as you protect your peace and let go with love. Request a no-obligation discovery call to see if we can help.