Perhaps you’ve imagined asking for a divorce as you commute to work. You’ve rehearsed the conversation in the shower. Maybe you even uttered the words during your last argument. But the thought of actually breaking the news to him floods you with dread. How can you tell your husband you want a divorce?
It’s a difficult topic to broach, but with an empowered mindset and clear strategy, you can express your needs while protecting your peace.
Here’s how.
Don’t “ask” for a divorce — say you want it
Remember: Tell, don’t ask. You are within your rights to seek a divorce, and you don’t need your soon-to-be-ex’s permission to do so. Sometimes clients wonder, “Could my husband refuse to divorce me?”
He may not cooperate, causing the divorce to become a courtroom matter rather than an amicable separation. Thankfully, most U.S. states allow no-fault divorce, which reduces the need to prove conflict or betrayal. Legal struggles come down to how assets are divided, who gets the kids, and so on, rather than whether or not the divorce will happen.
However, save those discussions for later down the road. Your first step is to state your desire to end the marriage. And indeed, you should think of it as a statement rather than a request or demand. Those are the facts: you want a divorce.
But don’t stop there. Your spouse will likely have questions or even counterarguments when you start to discuss divorce. Give yourself the key points to cover in this emotional conversation.
Prepare your outline for the divorce talk
Just as though you were planning a presentation for school or work, make yourself an outline. What will be your introduction, what critical points must you address, and in what order will you do so?
It’s tempting to lay out all the grievances you’ve had with the relationship. The conversation will already be intense, so it’s helpful to pare down your divorce talk to the key facts. Try writing out your thoughts as much as possible, then identify 2–4 main topics to address. Remember, your goal is to approach your spouse about divorce with clarity. Distill your thoughts into digestible facts that you can state orally within a few minutes.
Here’s a brief outline that may be helpful:
- State your desire to divorce. Practice saying this clearly and unequivocally — no phrasing that could be misunderstood.
- Give your main reason for wanting the divorce. Focus on your needs rather than accusations. Remember, you’re doing this for your well-being.
- Explain why you feel the marriage can’t be saved. This is the sticking point for many people as their spouse begs for another chance. Be clear with yourself on your reasons. (Remember, the Texas family court grants no-fault divorce on the basis that some marriages have irreconcilable differences.)
- Draft possible responses to your spouse’s complaints or counterpoints.
For each section of your outline, practice using “I” or “we” statements — but make sure those “I” statements reflect your needs and goals. Even if your soon-to-be ex did things that led to this stage, you want to lead the divorce talk from a place of self-empowerment. Rather than rehashing what they did, state clearly and calmly what YOU need to thrive.
Not Helpful: “You never give me any attention or care about what I need. And when I tried to tell you this, you ignored me.”
Helpful: “I’ve been feeling alone and ignored in our relationship, and I can no longer keep trying to make it work.”
Not Helpful: “You’re not doing enough to keep a job or career, and I’m sick of your frivolous spending and how it’s ruining our marriage.”
Helpful: “Our career and financial goals don’t seem to align, and I need to pursue my own path forward in life.”
Not Helpful: “You’re not the person I fell in love with, and we don’t even have fun together anymore.”
Helpful: “I feel that we’ve grown apart into different stages of our lives, and I think we should both move forward on our separate journeys.”
Whatever you draft in your outline, recite it several times in front of the mirror or to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. It’s okay if the divorce talk sounds rehearsed; that’s always preferable to being unprepared and succumbing to anxiety.
Does your spouse experience anxiety or depression? Telling them you want a divorce can be particularly distressing. We’ve covered this situation in more depth in our blog, ”How to Divorce Someone with Mental Health Issues.”
Next, plan how the initial separation would work.
Set boundaries for marital separation
Divorce is a process. It’s easy to get stuck in the “asking” mindset when you can’t simply end things. After all, this is more than a breakup; you’ll be detangling finances, belongings, and family members. But for that initial conversation, treat it like a breakup. End the romantic relationship and decide what you need to move forward.
Before you tell your spouse you want a divorce, have an honest discussion with yourself:
- Will you need time and space apart, and how can you achieve that? Can you stay with friends, in a hotel, or in a separate part of your house?
- Is your soon-to-be ex likely to guilt-trip or manipulate you? What boundaries can you set for yourself to avoid backtracking your decision?
- What fallout could you expect from the conversation? Will the in-laws start blowing up your phone? Will mutual friends beg you two to “make it work”? Decide now how you’ll handle those communications and don’t be afraid to say, “I need time and space alone to process things.”
- How will your children react? Will your teenager throw a fit? Will your little one need help understanding? Check out our blog on talking to kids about divorce for more guidance.
The answers to these questions — even if unsure or incomplete — can help you broach the topic with more clarity and confidence. Consider the following two scenarios:
A: You say “I want a divorce” and your spouse begins to spiral, asking who will get the house, if there’s someone else, how you’ll handle custody, etc. You’re not sure, and the anxiety is contagious, so you begin questioning if this is worth the trouble. Before you know it, your overbearing mother-in-law calls with her plan to save your marriage. Your ex is already telling the kids they’ll have to split weekends between you two.
B: You say, “I want a divorce” and immediately follow up with facts: there’s no one else, the marriage has irreconcilable differences, and you would like 2 weeks under separate roofs as you both process the breakup. Now you’ve set your boundaries, hedged off any speculation, and established a path forward.
Scenario B is already more manageable. Of course, the conversation will still be stressful. Your plan may not keep all the busybodies at bay or prevent your soon-to-be ex from spiraling, but you’ve started the process with fewer wildcards in play. Most importantly, you’ve broached the topic by focusing on your needs and boundaries — and that’s vital to your healing, especially if you shrunk yourself in your marriage.
Start your divorce hygiene now
No, we don’t mean your bubble bath routine — although self-care definitely helps during a divorce! Rather, begin restricting your conversations and social media activity now. Approach things like a lawyer:
- Think first, speak later. Take a breath before sending emotional messages.
- Don’t put anything in writing that you wouldn’t want to resurface. Keep private notes that you can reference in oral discussions.
- Don’t make any social media posts that could look bad in divorce or custody hearings.
- Only discuss the divorce with your smallest, most trusted circle. Even well-meaning friends and family can disrupt your plans and healing process.
- Create a routine for further discussions about the divorce. It’s all too easy for divorce proceedings to consume your life. Try scheduling a time to “meet” with your soon-to-be ex to plan the next steps, handle paperwork, and so on.
Even if you’re separating amicably, divorce hygiene can help prevent legal headaches. It also protects your peace and allows you to compartmentalize as much as possible.
How do you talk to your spouse about divorce? Alexandra Geczi and Tracy Grant discuss this topic in their book, Divorce Amicably: Your Roadmap to Resolution, written by the Amicable Divorce Network.
Tracy and Alex share tips and answer questions like:
- How do I tell my husband I want a divorce?
- What do we tell the kids?
- When is the best time to tell my husband?
Common Questions About Telling Your Spouse You Want to Divorce
What happens if my spouse doesn’t want a divorce?
You do not need both parties to consent to a divorce in Texas. If you want one, that is enough. Be sure to serve the divorce papers and show up at the hearing; if your ex doesn’t show or refuses to acknowledge the papers, you may be granted a divorce by default. Consult with a divorce attorney to develop a clear action plan for this situation.
How can I tell an abusive spouse I want to divorce?
If you’re trying to leave an abusive marriage, make a safety plan before you approach your spouse about divorce. It is paramount to stick to the facts, rehearse your key points, and have clarity within yourself before broaching the topic. Some people have the discussion in the presence of a neutral third party. Whatever your situation is, know where to go afterward: a trusted friend’s house, a shelter, etc. Here is a list of domestic violence resources in the Dallas and Fort Worth, Texas area.
However you approach your spouse about divorce, a compassionate family law attorney can help you navigate this difficult journey. It helps to have a plan to ask your spouse for a divorce peacefully. If you need legal assistance, choose a team who prioritizes your peace rather than drama. Reach out to Alexandra Geczi Family Law to schedule a consultation.