February is the season for romance. But grand displays of love aren’t always a sign of healthy relationship potential. Huge romantic gestures are a common tactic of lovebombing — especially early in a relationship. They’re meant to get people hooked so they’ll marry fast. Not to sound cynical, but as divorce attorneys, we encourage caution above chemistry.
A quick engagement, fueled by infatuation, makes people more likely to skip premarital agreements. As Texas is a community property, it’s particularly important to know your relationship’s fine print. This Valentine’s season, don’t fall for lovebombing: invest in building a stable relationship with a sturdy legal foundation.
What is Lovebombing?
As people form relationship bonds, their brains release dopamine — a natural high that makes you feel giddy in love. Over time, dopamine levels stabilizes and oxytocin flows in. The so-called “bonding hormone” contributes to sustainable affection and loyalty.
Lovebombing both creates and reacts to those dopamine hits that make you feel “addicted” to someone. As the name suggests, lovebombing means dropping explosive displays of affection on someone. It’s not always insidious. Some people feel so infatuated that they’re eager to show their love. Others are more comfortable in a relationship’s early stages, so they lean into their affectionate side — only to pull away in fear once the bond deepens.
Either way, relationships are more likely to show their cracks after a few months. Lovebombing is often a tactic to lock someone in before that happens.
We’ve all heard the stories: two people say they’ve instantly fallen in love, they’re meant to be, and they can’t wait to get married. It’s fodder for countless romantic stories, normalizing extreme infatuation and grand gestures as signs of “true love.”
In real life, though, lovebombing is exactly what it sounds like: overdramatic and potentially destructive.
Narcissistic abusers often use lovebombing to make someone feel emotionally hooked on them. This creates a steady supply of validation and ensures the target won’t soon leave, even if the abuser starts mistreating them.
Lovebombing also happens when different attachment styles clash. It makes the love feel easier than previous relationships, so the parties are more likely to move quickly to “lock in” the bond.
No matter the situation, feeling hooked on someone is rarely a good reason to get married. Those who have been lovebombed are less likely to:
- Have a long engagement
- Sign a premarital agreement aka a prenup
- Get to know their partner well enough to meet their family, learn their medical and financial history, evaluate any red flags
“Well of course, that’s common sense,” you say. But when you’ve been lovebombed, you may be looking at the situation through rose-tinted, heart-shaped glasses.
Lovebombed people are more likely to:
- Find themselves legally tied to a spouse they don’t know well, which can lead to financial woes — especially in a community property state like Texas
- Overlook domestic abuse and find it more difficult to leave their partner due to marital ties
- Experience significant emotional pain if the relationship ruptures
Here’s how to determine whether you’ve been lovebombed.
Signs You’ve Been Lovebombed
Lovebombing is any behavior that enhances or enforces infatuation, especially in a relationship’s early stages. It’s normal to experience “puppy love” as dopamine kicks in. That’s why relationships often begin with feelings of giddiness and the irresistible urge to get physical.
But when you’ve been lovebombed, all those feelings turn up to max volume. This happens when your new partner showers you with affection, begins planning an elaborate future with you, and paints you as “The One” within a few months (or even weeks) of meeting you.
So how do you separate normal infatuation — which can absolutely turn into a sustainable relationship — from lovebombing’s effects?
Here are some signs you’ve been lovebombed:
- You feel like someone you’ve known just a few weeks or months is your “soulmate.” We’re not here to comment on whether soulmates are real, but use your discernment.
- You associate your self-worth with their level of affection. Lovebombers often target insecure people.
- You feel a little uncomfortable with how much affection you’re getting. Listen to your gut.
- You find yourself craving their touch or attention above basic physiological needs e.g. food and sleep. That’s a sign your nervous system is addicted to them.
- You’re constantly hearing them say things like “You complete me,” “You’re the only one who gets me,” “I’ve never met anyone like you.” Once or twice is normal. Constantly? That’s a red flag.
- You feel like they’re clinging to you. Daily check-ins are normal. Texting or calling you every hour may seem sweet, but it’s rarely healthy.
- You already know all about their past: childhood trauma, medical history, etc. Lovebombers overshare to make you feel special and to gain your trust.
- You’ve softened your boundaries. You find yourself changing your plans to accommodate their requests, neglecting your projects and friends because “they need me,” and so on.
Being lovebombed doesn’t instantly mean you should end the relationship. It’s not always a sign of abuse or manipulation. Consider other factors: any yellow or red flags, each person’s attachment style and how they express affection, and relationship history. For example, insecurely attached people may accidentally lovebomb a person they’re scared of losing.
But even if they don’t have malicious intentions, lovebombing rarely creates a sturdy foundation for marriage. Expectations were set too high. As dopamine levels drop, the rose-colored glasses fall off and both partners begin to feel pressure to perform. That makes it harder to work on and sustain the relationship.
But if you already wed during that period, it’s much harder to leave — and now your assets and debts are tied together.
Divorce in the Fallout of Lovebombing
Pop culture tells us that short marriages can easily be undone through annulment — especially if they happened recently. Unfortunately, this isn’t entirely true. In Texas, annulments are typically reserved for extreme situations such as one spouse being a minor or the marriage happening under duress.
Lovebombing often lads to short engagements and quick marriages. In very specific circumstances, these impulsive marriages can be annulled IF:
- the spouses didn’t wait 72 hours after receiving their marriage license to get married. (And didn’t get a court order or premarital course waiving this.) AND
- one spouse petitions for annulment within 30 days of the marriage
For most people who realize they were lovebombed into marriage, too much time has passed. And now, all income, assets, and liabilities acquired during the marriage are considered community property. They may also have signed a lease or mortgage with their spouse, co-created a business, or even had a child together. Short, intense relationships tend to create many legal ties even if the underlying bond is unsustainable.
That’s the point of lovebombing: to forge stubborn bonds using the legal system, rather than a truly loving relationship that can exist outside the system. That can be immensely frustrating to navigate once the relationship fails:
- Feelings of self-doubt and despair as your “soulmate” turns into a major drain on your energy
- Low self-esteem because your identity became wrapped up in the relationship
- Your safety crumbling as your domestic, financial, and romantic situation are inextricably tied and your daily life does a 180
- Devastating grief and struggles with processing your emotions while you navigate the divorce process
As family law attorneys, we strive to help women get their sparkle back. We know the tricks that some people use to get their partners hooked. That’s why we strongly encourage premarital agreements and financial literacy as you enter a marriage. The cliché is true: knowledge is power — and your self-empowerment can help you stay grounded if your relationship fails.
A prenuptial agreement pulls double-duty:
- You can make arrangements to protect your assets and financial future before you tie yourself to another person.
- Focusing on these logistical arrangements helps you slow down the relationship and build a sturdy foundation for healthy marriage. Passion doesn’t mean you have to move fast! And if your person balks? Well…that’s a red flag.
Whether you’re newly engaged (and want to play it safe with a long engagement) and want to protect your financial future or you’re navigating a divorce after lovebombing, the compassionate team at Alexandra Geczi Family Law is here to help. Reach out to request a discovery call and tell us more about your needs.