Navigating Custody, Co-parenting, and Self-Care with a Narcissistic Ex
Narcissistic behavior harms relationships by distorting one’s sense of trust, self-esteem, and confidence. Breaking up with a narcissist can bring both relief and confusion. But what if you have kids with your narcissistic ex? Their behavior now creates painful ripples as you try to figure out custody arrangements and co-parenting plans. It’s frustrating to try to move on while facing the same struggles you experienced in the relationship.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is possible. It takes compassionate self-care, a resilient spirit, and unshakeable confidence that you’re a loving, committed parent. You can break free from negative thought patterns you may have acquired during a narcissistic relationship and focus on your great parenting skills.
Here’s how to handle custody battles, create robust co-parenting plans, and prioritize self-care while dealing with a narcissistic ex.
Understanding Narcissism in Co-parenting Relationships
A word of caution before we begin. Especially among the Internet’s pop psychology circles, it’s tempting to label one’s ex as “narcissistic,” especially when the relationship was unhealthy. Our law firm gets many inquiries that mention this topic: “How can I divorce my narcissist ex? What if my narcissistic ex-husband fights me for custody? How do I co-parent with a narcissist?”
For both your and your kids’ well-being, it’s vital to focus on observable behaviors — especially in parenting — rather than armchair diagnoses.
Let’s review some facts about narcissism grounded in psychological research.
Some people may exhibit narcissistic behaviors in their relationships. Then there’s Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is one of four Cluster B disorders. It is much rarer than you might think — only 1 to 2 percent of the general population. Narcissistic behaviors, such as gaslighting, triangulation, and conditional affection, are more common because they can occur in various mental illnesses or unhealthy relationship dynamics.
For NPD to be diagnosed — which can only be done by a professional — a person must consistently and chronically lack empathy, believe in their self-importance or superiority, need a constant supply of validation and admiration, be willing to exploit others for personal gain, and demonstrate entitlement, envy, and/or arrogance.
These nuances are why you must be specific in what you’re describing. Avoid throwing around the label “narcissist,” especially when speaking to attorneys, mediators, and judges.
An emotionally abusive or manipulative ex-spouse may show signs of narcissism when interacting with you:
- Prioritizing their desires, especially by violating your boundaries or diminishing your needs or experiences
- Conditional affection, i.e. a transactional approach to relationships. For example, they’ll give you the silent treatment if you displease them, but lavish you if you bend to their whims.
- Self-victimization, such as insisting that you (or your kids) assume all caregiving responsibilities toward them and appease their moods
If you’re co-parenting with such a person, these behaviors can appear when making decisions about your kids or when family matters conflict with their priorities. A narcissistic parent may behave this way toward the kids, too, which is heartbreaking to witness.
With all that in mind, let’s explore how to navigate co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic behaviors.
Custody Battles with a Narcissist
People with narcissistic behaviors prefer to maintain control. Custody arrangements inherently involve control, so they’re both enticing and threatening to narcissists.
A narcissistic ex may seek “primary custody” not because they feel they’re the best fit but because they see it as validation. As we discuss here, “primary custody” is not an actual tenet of Texas family law. In Texas, both parents are considered conservators unless that right is removed. In such cases, one parent may gain sole conservatorship while the other is named a possessory conservator.
As narcissism often involves a belief in one’s superiority, a narcissistic parent might insist upon the child’s primary residence. They may present themselves as the “better” parents because they pay for things or consider themselves smarter/cooler/prettier.
However, the court makes conservatorship decisions based on several complex factors, including financial stability, proximity to the child’s school, and previous caregiving patterns. Many people with high narcissism and low empathy struggle to prioritize their children’s needs. They insist their kids respect their authority but are inattentive and unresponsive. When asked about their parenting behaviors, the kids’ nutritional preferences, school progress, social life, and so on, they come up blank.
So, don’t worry if your narcissistic ex thinks they should be the custodial parent because their house is nicer or their confidence higher. Custody agreements don’t come down to such superficial factors.
Instead, own your power as a cool-headed, empathetic parent who puts your kids first. Be clear about what you expect in custody arrangements, from the child’s primary residence to how you’ll communicate about their healthcare and education.
If the narcissistic parent tries to create conflict or guilt-trip, don’t take the bait. Come to the custody hearings armed with facts and all your knowledge about what your kids need to thrive. The court does not care if a parent has NPD or not; their chief goal is to ensure the child’s well-being. As most people with NPD or narcissistic traits have low empathy, trust that the court will notice that — you don’t need to tell them.
Co-parenting with a Narcissist
Shared custody necessitates mutual respect, which narcissists struggle with, and boundaries, which they strongly dislike. This makes co-parenting even more difficult than usual. Parents with narcissistic behaviors may:
(a) assume they know best and feel entitled to have more time with the kids; OR
(b) feel so self-absorbed that they don’t show up as they should.
As with custody battles, remember: the kids come first. While the narcissistic parent may struggle to prioritize the child’s needs, that is your superpower. Stay objective and clear-headed as you navigate co-parenting decisions.
It can be helpful to treat your parenting plan like a business agreement. That means clear expectations, firm rules, and consequences for failure. If your narcissistic ex doesn’t hold up their end of the deal, they get penalized.
People with narcissistic traits prefer to keep control. But while they may push back on arrangements that don’t perfectly match their desires, they’re also risk-averse. This means they’ll (reluctantly) stick to an agreement if breaking it means they could lose out. The key is to set and enforce strong boundaries so the narcissist knows they have to play nice to get what they want.
Here are some best practices for co-parenting with a narcissistic ex:
- Thoroughly document your arrangements, from pickup and drop-off times, who’s in charge of each extracurricular, how much is contributed to your kids’ allowances, rules for sleepovers and vacations, pediatricians and other healthcare professionals to call — absolutely everything you can think of.
- Log all interactions and conversations regarding your kids. Save screenshots of text messages, write down the dates/times of phone calls and what was discussed, and time-stamp your pickups and drop-offs if needed.
- Limit communication to what’s necessary to take care of the kids, especially if your ex is prone to picking fights or guilt-tripping you.
- Don’t cling to control just because the narcissist does. Trust in the systems you’ve set up and lean into your support network (and the legal agreements in place) to help you make sure your kids are cared for.
- De-escalate conflict. Narcissists tend to make mountains out of molehills as they often enjoy drama and use conflict to regain control. Don’t fall for it.
Self-Care for Custody and Co-Parenting with a Narcissist
It can be hard to protect your peace around an ex with narcissistic behaviors — especially when kids are involved. Narcissists tend to disrupt boundaries and disrespect your needs. Even if your co-parenting plan goes smoothly at first, you may find your narcissistic ex poking at old wounds or testing limits after some time passes.
The more you invest in your self-care — at both the outset and throughout the process— the more resilient you’ll be when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent. Follow these steps to compassionate self-care:
- Create your support network. Who can you count on to be in your corner, listen to you vent, and help out both you and the kids?
- Find a mental health professional. There’s no shame in seeking therapy! Relationships with narcissists, even if not abusive, often damage your self-esteem and
- Only communicate when you’re in a clear, collected mental state. Give yourself a “time delay” for responding to heated texts or emails.
- Put it all into perspective. You are not to blame for this situation. The narcissist has an unstable self-image and needs to feel control and/or receive validation from others.
Need help navigating your custody and co-parenting arrangements with a narcissistic ex? Alexandra Geczi Family Law’s compassionate team of family law attorneys offers compassionate legal support throughout the process. Reach out now to schedule a no-obligation discovery call.