The holidays may be joyous and relaxing, but let’s be honest: they can also be stressful, especially with kids. And if you’re going through a divorce or co-parenting with an ex, you’ll likely face unfamiliar hurdles.
Whether you share custody or need to juggle holiday festivities with visitation schedules, you’ll have critical decisions to make. Here’s how to navigate the holiday season and create festive fun for your kids while co-parenting.
More Treats, Fewer Tricks: Child Safety and Custody During Spooky Season
No matter your custody arrangement, you and your ex may both want to share the festivities with your children. Who will take the kids on the time-honored tradition of trick-or-treating? Who’s in charge of purchasing or making the costume?
October tends to fly by, so don’t wait to make plans. Have a conversation with your ex to lay out expectations:
- What Halloween events your kids want to attend (trick-or-treating, school parties, hay rides, fall festivals, etc.) and how they align (or don’t) with your normal custodial/visitation schedule
- Which festive activities you’ll each plan and participate in with your children, such as jack o’lantern carving, Halloween crafts, movie nights, photo shoots, etc.
- What your costume budget is and who’s responsible for purchasing costume pieces or supplies
Be sure to communicate these plans to your children, too. As with breaking the news to kids about divorce, consistency is vital.
Make Trick-or-Treating Less Tricky While Co-Parenting
Trick-or-treating has evolved over the decades, with many hosts now embracing contactless candy handouts or trunk-or-treats. Technology also helps kids and parents stay connected, making this tradition safer than ever.
However, plenty of parenting decisions remain:
- Will your kids be restricted in how much candy they consume? Or which candy they’re allowed versus not?
- How late will the kids stay out?
- Which neighborhood(s) will they visit, and who will drive/chaperone them?
Take the time to discuss these questions, make compromises if needed, and assign a “point parent” to each concern. If you’re amicable and can co-chaperone the event, make a game plan before you head out.
Remember, even with supervision, trick-or-treating involves risk. Stick to your plan to avoid missed pick-ups, treats that are unsafe to consume, and other safety concerns.
Who Sews What? Costume Creation as Co-Parents
What seems like a fun shopping or crafting session may breed resentment between divorced parents. Costumes can be expensive, and no one wants their kid to feel like only one parent can afford or make a “good” costume.
A trip to the costume shop or a day spent sewing together is quality time with the kids. What happens if both you and your want that but don’t currently get along? Who gets “dibs”? And of course, your children don’t want to feel caught in the middle when they’re just excited about Halloween.
If there are multiple costumed events and your budget allows, you could divide and conquer your kids’ costumes. Or, alternate years, with one parent taking charge every other Halloween.
Make your budget for costume(s), including all the accessories, makeup, and props. Decide who’s going to pay for what.
Decide who’s in charge of taking your kids shopping for the costumes or, if you’re making the costume, the materials. Again, you can divide and conquer, e.g. one parent handles the shopping and the other helps make or assemble the costume.
Set deadlines for the costume and make sure you’re both aware. Allow some wiggle room for adjustments before it’s time to head out trick-or-treating.
After-Dark Activities: Coordinating Your Halloween Plans with a Co-Parent
Adults like to celebrate Halloween, too. Let’s say there’s a party or special event you or your ex would like to attend, but it’s on a typical custody night. Be wary of disrupting a court-ordered schedule, especially if the divorce was bitter. Proactive planning for a babysitter or other accommodations can help reduce tension and let everyone focus on enjoying the holiday.
Where Will Santa Visit? Co-parenting for Christmas
Winter holidays of almost every cultural tradition involve togetherness, gift-giving — both sources of tension for divorced couples with kids. Who gets to have the children on Christmas morning? Who will take them to the tree-lighting ceremony? And what will you tell them (or not) about Santa?
The most wonderful time of the year is also the most hectic, so take a moment now to set expectations with your co-parent:
- What holiday events your kids want to attend (nativity plays, choir performances, Christmas or Hanukkah gatherings, etc) and how they align (or don’t) with your normal custodial/visitation schedule
- Which festive activities you’ll each plan and participate in with your children, such as tree decorating, cookie making, crafting, gift exchange, ice skating, etc.
- What your gift budget is and how much you’ll each spend on your kids
The Stocking Talk: How to Get Ready for Santa While Co-Parenting
The Santa tradition gets a bit more complicated when your kids spend time between two households. Get ready for questions: “How will Santa know where to bring my presents? Will Santa visit me at both Mom’s and Dad’s?”
Consistency is vital to maintaining the Santa magic, so be sure you and your co-parent are on the same page. Some helpful answers may be:
- “Yes, Santa already knows where every kid will be on Christmas morning!”
- “Santa may bring you some gifts at Mommy’s and some gifts at Daddy’s. It just depends on how the elves packed his bags!”
If your kid’s getting older and you or your ex thinks it’s time to break the news about Santa, decide who will do so and how. Or, talk to your little one together. Reassure them that they can enjoy receiving gifts from Mommy and Daddy, too, and that even if you aren’t together, you’ll make sure they have a magical Christmas morning.
As for those gifts from Mom and Dad: especially in contentious divorces (or if your ex is a narcissist), one ex-spouse may see Christmas as a time to prove their love with lavish gifts. That can bring confusion for younger children (“why does Santa bring me bigger presents at Daddy’s house?”) and resentment for older kids (“why didn’t you get me what I really wanted? Dad does!”). In such cases, reassure your kids that love and affection don’t depend on gift-giving. Remind your ex that the goal is to help children enjoy the Santa tradition, and that calls for consistency rather than competition.
Finding Opportunities to Make Merry as a Co-Parent
Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and other winter holidays are cherished times for making things, from tree ornaments to menorahs to cookies. There’s plenty to do, but it all costs time and money. Neither parent wants to feel like they can’t meet their kids’ expectations.
Discuss your holiday activity budget with your ex and find ways to balance expense and time.
Crafting projects don’t have to be expensive. Focus on the creative and bonding potential. For example, paint-it-yourself tree ornaments are an inexpensive craft that each parent can enjoy with their children. (Because you can never have too many ornaments!)
A balanced approach ensures your kids can enjoy festive crafts and hobbies with both of you — without feeling like you’re competing with your ex.
As with Halloween, divide and conquer you kids’ holiday activities. You can also alternate years. For example, your ex has the kids for Christmas morning one year, while you participate in more crafting sessions, winter festivals, etc. The next year, switch roles.
No Time for Eggnog? Coordinating Your Christmas Plans with a Co-Parent
As with Halloween, adults often have winter-holiday plans that kids can’t attend. Talk with your ex to coordinate schedules for office holiday parties, New Year’s celebrations, and so on. Remember, you should abide by the court-ordered schedule, whenever possible. Babysitters get booked fast, so plan ahead (with a Plan B), and allow wiggle room for heavy traffic, weather delays, and holiday closures.
Holidays are wonderful opportunities for bonding, celebration, and good ol’ fashioned fun. However, they’re also sources of stress, even more so when you’re eager for parenting wins while dealing with an ex. Focus on what you and your kids need. Don’t sacrifice your peace for the sake of traditional holiday expectations or social pressure. A dash of proactive planning, a dose of compromise, and a generous helping of patience make the perfect recipe for holiday co-parenting.