Deciding to divorce brings a long list of conversations to be had. You’ll need to connect with family law attorneys, financial advisors, possibly a therapist. But the most daunting conversation is often the one you have with your children. How can you tell your kids about the divorce without causing pain or worry?
Children, especially older kids, have lots of questions. What’s the reason for the divorce? Will lawyers be involved? Where am I going to live? Will I have to choose?
As you navigate the legal aspects of your divorce (whether amicable or contested), it’s vital to remain honest with your kids while reserving some discussions for you, your soon-to-be ex, and your attorney. Here’s how.
Make the “divorce talk” a structured, calm discussion with your kids
Even if you and your spouse are parting on less than friendly terms, presenting a united front — or at least the illusion — is critical when you tell your kids about the divorce. Your goal is to help your children feel as secure as possible by modeling stability. Dedicate some time and space to “the talk.”
DO tell the kids together whenever possible. Agree ahead of time on what to say and how to say it. Ideally, you show that you’re a coherent, collected team, even if that’s not entirely true. This can help meet your children’s core need for stability in their parental figures.
DO go slow and steady. Give your children time to absorb what you’re saying. Avoid overwhelming the kids with details. Keep it simple and let them ask for more information. (They probably will!) With that said…
DON’T feel like you have to have all the details and plans ironed out. Kids may ask for a step-by-step breakdown of how the divorce will play out. It’s better to say “We’re not sure” than to provide information that could change later. It’s okay if you don’t have all the answers yet — just let the kids know that. (And when you’re ready to plan, check out our guide for transitioning kids into two households.)
DO stick to what’s necessary at this time. In the first talk, it’s usually best to stick to the key points: you and your spouse are getting a divorce, but it’s no reflection on your kids or how much you love them.
Show your kids that the divorce isn’t about them
Many children assume they’re to blame for the divorce. As kids are learning their place in the world, their survival instincts naturally make them more egocentric. So, they often worry that the divorce is their fault. Strive to reassure your children that (a) the separation is not due to their behavior and (b) you’ll do your best to minimize its impact on them.
DO let your kids ask questions. Sometimes they’ll want to know exactly why you’re divorcing; sometimes their main concern is whether they’ll lose their bedroom. Answer as much as you can, however…
DON’T share any information that makes one spouse look bad. Remember, kids often look up to their parents and consider them a source of stability and positivity. Keep it neutral and vague. That said, never lie to them. If infidelity was involved and the kids already know, be honest.
DO be truthful, if not detailed. For example, you might say, “we don’t get along anymore” or “we aren’t in a romantic relationship anymore, but we still love you.” This helps kids avoid blaming themselves, as they tend to do, and alleviates their fear of being abandoned or losing their stability.
DON’T assign blame to anyone — even yourself. Resist any temptation to badmouth your soon-to-be ex. Kids may feel pressured to take sides, and anything said here could resurface during custody hearings.
DO emphasize what will stay the same: their friends, their grandparents and other loving relatives, and if possible, their school and extracurriculars. Reiterate and reassure as you continue to update your kids on the divorce. Children may understand things one day and feel unsure the next.
Focus on your family unit rather than the legal drama
Whether you’re divorcing amicably or going to court, you’ll likely have many legal and financial decisions to make. While honesty is the best policy with your kids, try to keep these discussions separate from them. Children likely won’t understand all the nitty-gritty details and could easily misconstrue them. Focus on creating stability and relieving their anxiety rather than sharing the “grown-up” conversations.
DON’T discuss financial settlements or other arrangements. Older kids who know more about money may ask, “but doesn’t Daddy earn all the money?” or “what about your business?” Keep your answers simple and focused on their well-being, e.g., “We are working things out to make sure you’ll be taken care of.”
DO set expectations for custody discussions. Reassure your kids that they’re not in trouble and won’t be punished for what they do or don’t say. For example, you might say, “People may need to talk to you about our family. There are no right or wrong answers.” Let them know that whoever is talking to them (the judge, a social worker, etc.) only wants them to be safe and taken care of.
DON’T discuss any third-party situations (cheating, new partner, etc.), but don’t pretend otherwise if your kids know. Stick to the basics and shift the conversation back to what they need, e.g. “Whatever happened or will happen, you’re still my kid and I love you.”
Wrapping up
Expect strong emotions to emerge during the divorce talk, not only from your kids but also from yourself and your soon-to-be ex. Be ready to take a breather. Remember, the legal details are best kept between you and your trusted family law attorney. When you tell your kids about the impending divorce, keep the conversation centered on their needs.
At Alexandra Geczi Family Law, we strive to provide compassionate and nuanced support for families experiencing divorce. Let us help you manage the minutiae so you can focus on providing parental stability. Schedule a discovery call.